That wave is so huge it will take  me under .

Lean into the wave. Maintain  your balance . Keep moving forward. A counselor shared this with me as a way of dealing with my grief. It could also apply to an addiction. Leaning into it is to  acknowledge it. .Face it. Admit it is there. Meanwhile you are developing strategies to maintain your balance as you continue walking through it, hoping to come out on the other side more balanced.

A conversation in the Empty Chair format is a good place to lean into the grief or addiction.

Connection implies a disconnect at some point. Often in childhood. because off fear, pain or a specific or prolonged trauma we disconnect from ourselves because the experience was intolerable. And as discussed in The Doorkeeper blog we keep those intolerable feelings hidden in the basement. Therapy can shine some light into that darkness. We must make the effort to reconnect   with ourselves .Hiking ,a hobby-something that enables us to get in touch with our real selves. As we go through the process of reconnection simultaneously we reach out with our authentic self to others who are authentic.

The Empty Chair encounter can enable this reconnection process as we have a conversation with ourselves.

Going back to childhood we experience the early wounds of exclusion. There are many reasons for being excluded from the intimacy and nurture we longed for from our parents and siblings. Unique to us but common to all humans. Then in high school we longed to be in a different clique because a member in good standing of that club extended the promise of inclusion. Excluded at home we now had the possibility of inclusion in a different family.

A relationship ending abruptly or after a long period of time excluded us from what that inclusion promised. There is hurt, loss and grief  as we see and feel the exclusion. So much of our life has been a struggle to be included and what compromises have we made to avoid exclusion.

Clarity and forward movement are likely to occur as we have an Empty Chair conversation with the person who excluded us or an Empty Chair conversation with ourselves as to how we dealt with that exclusion.

In The Old Man and the Sea, Hemingway focuses on the fishing adventure of an old man in a small boat. The chase is on for the big catch: a large, magnificent, blue marlin. After much intense labor he reels in the fish, lashes it to the boat and then faces the  challenge of bringing it to shore.

We all have a marlin in our life: a dream, a person, a quest. We may still be in the chase or have been sidetracked or perhaps lost the big one. We settle for smaller fish or just give up the chase completely. Resulting in blame or shame, unspoken hurts and unresolved issues.

An Empty Chair conversation with ourselves can bring to the surface those hidden issues of shame or loss and regret. A conversation with a significant person may expose the blame and hurt we have been harboring.

By the time we reach a certain age, we stayed away from Dead End streets.. Early on we travelled that street in ignorance. Then we avoided that street and continued our journey seeking a way through. For many of us that journey was both too puzzling and  too painful. So we developed a habit which then became a cul- de -sac.

We travelled at first thinking we were making progress; then, the habit provided a limited amount of payback but enough still to keep us on that circular path. Ending up again right where we started. Soon this cul- de- sac journey becomes both unsatisfying and un- comfortable. We then resumed the search for a through street.

This journey has obstacles: grief, regret, pain, fear and no compass to guide us through. An Empty Chair conversation with the person whose behavior provoked that journey down the Dead End street and around the cul-de-sac will enable us to see the path through that seemingly impassible way out. Through the dark tunnel, past the  chaos and into the light of acceptance and possibility.

When I was experiencing panic attacks, a counselor said to me; you don’t trust yourself in that situation and you don’t trust your Higher Power. So you panic. Anxiety is a lower level of panic and fueled by the same low level of trust. It is a symptom of our fear of the above.

Worry can produce or exacerbate anxiety. The root for worry (wert)  suggests circling or turning round and round the same issue. Yet not changing our perspective in the process.

As a child and a teen we did not have a model for coping successfully with anxiety or worry. We were not given the opportunity to test our ability to successfully navigate stressful situations .So as adults we default to those times when we were incapable of handling the situation in a mature way.

An Empty Chair conversation with ourselves at an earlier age can enable the child within to trust the adult to navigate anxiety and the fear of not being enough.

Probably the most common of all feelings in our culture. An inability to or lack of opportunity to connect with another person. Addiction or aggressive  performance manifesting itself as a need for perfection are frequent symptoms of this core issue. Neither addiction or performance satisfies this fundamental need for intimate relationships and friendship.( Maslow’s 3rd tier of Basic Human Needs.)

This predicament has its roots in childhood. We made a vow that since no one was taking care of us it became necessary that we take care of ourselves. If no one was allowed in then neither could we get out. And so a wall was built around us. The bricks in that wall can be removed if we are willing.

Having an Empty Chair conversation with ourselves at an earlier age could enable the adult person we have become to coax the child out of hiding and trust the adult self to to take care of our inner child.

As children we were often ignored or criticized or only spoken to to with a directive. What we needed was a significant person to be a witness to our good times and bad moments. Consequently we are not in touch with our authentic feelings. We are only aware of our fear of and inability to express ourselves.

Having someone to listen is important. To hear what I say is a blessing. When we are struggling to speak our truth that is enough. Going beyond that seeking validation and affirmation is desirable but not essential at this point. I have worked up enough courage to speak my truth and someone heard what I said.

Role-playing in an Empty Chair conversation enables me to speak my truth in a non-threating space. Valuable preparation for the real-time event. Prior to that conversation could be an Empty Chair talk with myself to understand the real -life obstacles which have diminished my ability to speak authentically and articulately with other people.

It is easy to see a shortcoming in someone else. Difficult to see our own shortcomings. Even harder to see past the shortcomings on either side and see the real person. Jesus encourages us to “get the plank out of our own eye before we look at the speck of dust” in the eye of the other person.

Each of us has layered over our authentic self; often as a protection against the fears and hurts we sustained as a child or a young teenager. Living life and experiencing therapy can be a catalyst for removing those layers; thus giving us a glimpse of our authentic self.

Having the Empty Chair conversation with a significant other person enables us to loosen and, by choice, remove layers. It will likely  give insight into the person whose behavior has baffled us, angered us and hurt us. As we see through through those surface behaviors both of ourselves and the other person we can begin the process of forgiving ourselves and maybe the significant other person.

Iron sharpens iron ,a proverb from the Bible. When we live in isolation we tend to worry which, simply put, is circling around the same issue over and over. A conversation with a trusted friend enables us to see that issue in a different way, allowing us to either let it be or see a path forward.

That path forward may be to have a conversation with someone we have been avoiding or who has been avoiding us. That someone could be  spouse or a parent. It may be ourselves at an earlier age. The Empty Chair experience provides an opportunity for that conversation to take place. I can see through the chaos. I can move forward out of this place were I have been stuck.

There has been no change in the other person but change is taking place in me. I can face this issue with a new perspective, letting it be. Enabling new thoughts  and new actions to occur as the process unfolds.